


Puzzled

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Drama, F/M, Friendship, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-11
Updated: 2014-10-11
Packaged: 2018-02-20 18:22:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2438417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I didn’t come over tonight to make a pitch to be important to you.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Puzzled

He lay on the couch with his hand over his eyes. The music wasn’t soothing him as he’d hoped but it was better than the quiet. He couldn’t take the quiet anymore. Of course the quiet was on the outside; inside he was ready to burst. His mind raced; it was difficult to get all the thoughts in check. The good, the bad, the crazy…it was all there.

He kept going over and over in his mind where it went wrong. Where did it slide? When did he first notice? It was longer than he wanted to admit to himself, much longer. More could have been done to save his marriage but in the end neither one of them wanted to change.

It was hard to say they didn’t love each other anymore but…you fought when you loved someone. You also compromised, which they weren't doing. He couldn’t lay all the blame at her feet. He’d broken promises, wasn’t there. She found what he couldn’t give in someone else’s arms. He lusted after another woman in his head if not his heart.

How had that happened? How had any of it happened? In his mind he could go back to when they were happy teenagers or young newlyweds easier than he could almost anything. Maybe love wasn’t meant to be that way. People changed too much…no one was the same at 40 as they were at 18. Goals changed, thoughts changed, and life changed.

It wasn’t so easy to get up and dust off the demons after a while. And the truly insane would get jobs where they let in the demons every day. As if battling your own wasn’t hard enough, there were those who battled someone else’s. He wasn’t exclusive in his decision to do that; there was a whole group of them. That didn’t make any of it any easier.

Especially since he was lying in the growing darkness alone and his family was probably sitting down to a nice suburban dinner with another man at the head of his table. That man wasn’t going to let some maniac, a stranger to him, ruin his happiness. That man wasn’t dark and only getting darker. That man laughed, loved; maybe he even sang and danced. That man was kissing his ex-wife and hugging his son. Damn that man straight to hell.

His eyelids were getting really heavy. Maybe it would be better to just let sleep take over. That precious commodity wasn’t coming easy these days and his job could be particularly brutal when drowsy. He could sleep this whole day away; perhaps get up and try again in the morning. The music was like a lullaby and he stopped fighting the pull of darkness and dreams.

He didn’t know what to expect as his mind was something of a war zone lately but he learned a long time ago that dreams couldn’t hurt him. At least they couldn’t hurt him physically. You could always wake up from the nightmare. He wasn’t waking up from this one yet, but maybe there was something else he had to do first.

The knock on the door probably wasn’t as loud as it sounded in his ears. He’d been teetering on the edge of sweet blackness, about to fall over and sail away. Sometimes the delicious ecstasy of falling asleep had actual sleep beat by a mile. But it was interrupted by that knocking. Maybe he was dreaming; he would just ignore it.

Better that than going to the door and no one being there. He’d hardly had time to think about it, or not think about it, when he heard the knock again. It was real; someone was at his door. Who the hell was at his door? He wasn’t exactly known for having lots of company. He was still new to the building but probably wouldn’t change his stance on that if he lived there forever.

The thought of living there forever made his stomach drop as he sat up on the couch and rubbed his tired eyes. At least the person on the other end was not impatient…there was no more knocking. In socked feet, he made his way over to the door and looked out the peephole. With a long sigh, Aaron Hotchner opened the door. Emily Prentiss stood on the other side.

“Hi.” She said, as if she visited frequently.

“Hello.”

“How are you?”

“I'm fine. How are you?”

“OK. Can I come in?”

Hotch nodded, stepping out of her way. It wasn’t until he did that that he realized he’d been standing there like a gatekeeper. It looked as if he had no intention of letting the intruder in. Whether he felt that way or not he knew Emily was damn near an expert at body language.

“I'm sorry I didn’t call first, but…”

“Are you?” Hotch raised an eyebrow.

“It’s not polite to come into someone’s personal space uninvited.” She said. “I know I've never been fond of it.”

“It can be a little…disconcerting.”

“Well I thought that sometimes its easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission.” Emily said.

“So, you came to apologize?”

“Aren't you gonna offer me a drink?”

“Would you like a drink?” Hotch asked.

“Yes, I would, thank you so much.”

He smirked as he walked over to the mini-bar. Emily remained in the middle of his living room floor. She was dressed in faded blue jeans and an olive green shirt. On her feet was a pair of comfy, scuffed Doc Martens. Hotch didn't want to admit it to himself but he’d become an expert on Emily Prentiss’s footwear. That might make him quite weird. He didn’t know and he didn’t care.

“What's in the bag?” he asked, handing her the drink. “A sloe comfortable screw.”

“Up against the wall?” a little smirk crossed Emily’s face.

“I don’t have any Galliano.”

“Pity.”

“What's in the bag, Emily?”

“I brought you a present.”

Hotch couldn’t help the skeptical look on his face when she said it. His curiosity would get the better of him anyway. What did she bring him? What did it mean? It wasn’t his birthday, Christmas, or anything like that? Was he supposed to buy her a present as well?

“What is it?”

“Open it.”

Emily handed him the bag and then sat down on the couch. Hotch sat down beside her, watching her as she sipped her drink.

“Were you a bartender in a past life?” She asked. “You always make them perfectly.”

“I'm glad you like it.” He said, not answering her question.

“Open your gift Aaron.”

It wasn’t often that she used his first name. She was at his apartment, using his first name, and drinking his drink. How do you profile that? Hotch took a deep breath and pulled the box from the bag. It was gift-wrapped so he tore the paper off and looked at it.

“It’s a puzzle.” He looked at her.

“Mmm hmm.” Emily nodded.

“Um…thank you.”

“You're welcome.”

“Why did you buy me a puzzle? I'm sorry, I don’t understand the significance.”

“My stepmother does puzzles to relieve stress. It’s a way to get her brain focused on something else. They’re challenging but fun. At least that’s what she tells me…the little ass pieces drive me nuts. But I thought you might enjoy it. I started you off small; its 1500 pieces.”

“That’s small?”

“Nat does 5000 pieces or more. I wouldn’t wish that on my worse enemy’s dog. She’s been working on a field of sunflowers for months. She’s actually doing two simultaneously; sunflowers in the study and the Mona Lisa in the den.”

“This is in between saving the world and making the most delectable pot roast known to man?” Hotch asked.

“Pretty much. Oh, by the way, she said thank you for the compliment on her pot roast. It’s her grandmother’s old recipe.”

“Well, I appreciate the puzzle.” He put the box on the coffee table. It was the Brandenburg Gate. Surely all those tiny pieces were the same color. Hotch would go blind and crazy making an attempt at it before finally giving up in disgust. Challenging but fun, there were other people and things he could use that description for. Of course they would probably make him blind and crazy too.

“I'm glad. I just think maybe its time for you to put the focus on something else. The demons and the regrets will always be there. They don’t have to take over all the time.”

“What do you focus on?”

“The joy of little things.” Emily replied. “I love a good cup of coffee or squeezing in a few chapters of a new book. A funny conversation with my dad can make my whole day. Dancing to a good song after I get out of the shower lifts my spirits before bedtime. I enjoy a laugh amongst good friends, a rainy day, a thankful person, a soft kiss, or an old photo.

“If you put enough little things together, you get through to the next day and the next. I find if you think too far ahead or too far back, you get lost in the mire. Staying in the moment is better for me. It doesn’t work for everyone.”

“You and I have had some really good moments.” Hotch said.

“Yeah.” She nodded.

“I don’t always make it easy, do I?”

“Nothing worth having is, Aaron. OK, some things are like candy bars, but most things aren’t.”

“Am I worth having?” He asked.

“That’s for you to decide. I didn’t come over tonight to make a pitch to be important to you.”

“You are important to me.”

“Well, I still didn’t come over to make a pitch. I worry about you; you do the same thing I do when it gets to be too much. I've always been really grateful to my loved ones who venture into the darkness to come get me. I'm just paying it forward.”

Hotch nodded, not sure what to say next. He’d never been good with this kind of conversation. How could he be when he’d been having it with one person for almost thirty years? That person was nothing like Emily Prentiss. No one was like Emily Prentiss.

He moved a little closer to her on the couch, his arm sliding over the top of it. She was taking her time finishing her drink. Hotch was sure she was holding the glass close as a defense. He knew her defenses were down around him and that frightened her. It frightened him doubly, as he was afraid of hers and his.

“I don’t know how we ended up here, but we have.” He said.

“Where?” She asked.

“OK, I don’t know where we are or how we ended up here.”

Emily smiled. She leaned and put the empty glass on the coffee table.

“Just tell me what you’re thinking.”

“I don't know.” Hotch shrugged. “My life was one way for a long time; I had no control over it. Then I took control and it was another way for even longer. Now I'm back to someplace I'm unsure of. I don’t know what to do.”

“Well what do you want?” Emily asked.

“Peace of mind. I want peace of mind, and joy in little things. I want to be the best FBI Agent I can be. I want to be a good father. I want to be a good man. I want to be loved.”

“You are; you are all of those things.”

“It doesn’t feel that way sometimes.”

“I know, but you are. You're in a difficult place and you just need to move one day at a time and you won't be there anymore. The people who love you are here to help.”

“It’s hard to share my thoughts, fears, with people.”

“It’s not easy for anyone. How well is keeping it to yourself going?” She asked.

Hotch rolled his eyes. He reached out to caress her face and Emily leaned into his touch.

“I want to kiss you. I probably want to do that for all the wrong reasons.”

“What are the reasons?”

“Because you're beautiful. When you kiss me back it makes me feel good, even if the feeling lasts for just that moment. Because I don’t want to stop myself. Those are horrible reasons.”

“Why?”

Hotch shrugged, moving away from her. Emily closed her eyes when they lost contact. He felt it too…didn’t like moving apart. He just couldn’t think of enough good reasons to stay. He didn’t want to hurt her; he didn’t want to hurt himself. Too much was going on right now. Getting into this was a bad idea. Her coming over was probably a bad idea. Hotch wanted to ask her to leave but was afraid if he opened his mouth he would ask her to stay.

“I think you should do the puzzle, Hotch.” She stood from the couch. “You told me that you used to build model airplanes as a kid. I know you always have fun with those big Lego projects you do with Jack. Do the puzzle and call me when it’s done. I want to come over and share in the victory.”

“Yeah, OK.” He stood as well, following her as she walked to his door. “Maybe I’ll make dinner and we could enjoy that too.”

“I never turn down the opportunity to eat.” Emily smiled. “I’d really like that.”

“But I have to finish the puzzle first?” Hotch asked.

“Yes. If you focus on one accomplishment at a time you won't be overwhelmed.”

With the rate of his leaving town and his complete lack of focus on anything that wasn’t his work or his woes these days, Hotch was sure it’d be a millennia before he finished the damn puzzle. So much for dinner…it was probably for the better.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Emily leaned close, placing a soft kiss on his lips. Hotch slipped his arm around her and held her close. She let him deepen it but pulled away before it pulled her under. “Enjoy the rest of the night.”

“Goodnight, Emily.”

He let her go and then stood staring at the door for a few minutes. Realizing that wouldn’t magically bring her back, Hotch went back into the living room. He took the puzzle from the table and put it on the desk. He cleaned up all his papers and files, moving things over to the coffee table and another table by the window. Once the space was clean, Hotch opened the box and dumped the contents.

He had some hours before he needed to get in bed. It wasn’t often he had this kind of time to himself. Better to spend it focusing on something good than something bad. The good was dinner with Emily Prentiss. He was about to trade in one puzzle for another. The Brandenburg Gate had met its match. Aaron Hotchner had as well.

***

  



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